In real life, I am an exceptionally private person and there are very few people who know much about me; I recently ended a two-year relationship, which I kept under my hat. I haven’t written a blog about myself in a while…. but never say never. This blog allows me to share the absurdity of my life, mainly my sex life. So, after much ado, here is my out-of-retirement blog.
We will call this person David. David and I have known each other for 5 years, to be exact. We knew each other through many adult shows, since we were both in the business of peddling smut for a living, but we hadn’t met in person until 2011. When I was finally able to introduce myself to him I remember exactly what I saw: I saw a man far younger, taller, and more handsome than I expected. He looked me up and down and we hugged. We became Facebook friends, exchanged the occasional business call, then our work life intertwined.
I recently broke up with my ex, who I will always consider the love of my life. The man I will always think about, the man I am still friends with…. who haunts and delights me all at once. We parted amicably, but he took so much out of me…I didn’t realize how much of me went silent. After our break-up I went on holiday, and all off a sudden the woman I had put on a shelf came back to life, and came back with a vengeance. I got on a plane and as cheesy as it sounds, Vanessa Pinto got her groove back. I didn’t have sex with anyone on vacation, but I felt alive again, filled with mischief, sexual, and free to be completely me.
David had made it very clear he had a thing for me- the looks, the Facebook stalking, liking all my sexy pictures then texting me much more personal comments. My favorite was in 2014; I was good friends with a buxom blonde sex worker and we had some good times. He asked if she was my girlfriend, said he’d like to fuck us both. He put a lot of effort into letting me know how much he’d like to put his dick in me…. but something told me never to cross the friendship door. I had known every single one of his interactions with women, ended badly…. one “drove a car off a cliff’ badly. My largest hesitation was all the baggage I knew about, and if we crossed the line things would just never be the same. And yet, something kept pulling me towards him.
After my vacation I started messaging with David; I let him know my relationship was done and suddenly the flirty sexual texts began. We sent pictures to one another, first clean and then dirty. He spoke of coming to visit, but with his schedule I decided to plan a trip to his city. A few days before I took off, he sort of freaked out because he’s a neurotic mess of a human being. So we talked it out…. against my better judgement I agreed to go. And I put some effort into it, the dress, the hair, the looks I got at the airport, were the best. David pulls up and I walk towards him. No smile, no comment on how I looked. We do an obligatory kiss on the mouth, I get in his car. While driving, he screams in traffic. We get to his apartment complex, which is cute. I’ve lived in houses for years, I don’t get apartment life, I just don’t.
We go in his room, he lays on his bed, wearing jeans and sneakers…I was like wow, thanks for the warm welcome. He tells me he’s going to take a shower. I take off my tights and my underwear, he comes out of the shower and I’m on his bed. The sex- well, it’s a stretch to call it sex- was David’s version of sex. I was hoping that it was the first time blues, that over time it would improve. No such luck. He did this thing, where he kissed me but didn’t. I know teasing, this was just befuddlement; I tried very hard not to laugh. Then he pulls the ultimate guy move- I have no panties on, we’re grinding, his dick is way close to my pussy without a condom and he whispers “Do you want me to put something on?” I was like, wow, I know for a fact he’s had VD….so yeah, let me just take that risk. No thanks.
One of the things I love about sex is that first thrust inside you. The one that makes you moan and scream, come on ladies you’re with me- that first thrust where you know if you will have to flip over or make accommodations for the nice big cock that is inside you.
And then there are those troubling times, where you realize they are all the way in and that thrust, that release you were looking for, just simply doesn’t exist. So I blew him, I do that for selfish reasons- I want him as hard and huge as possible. But when I could get it all in my mouth and down my throat without choking, I was like, fuck……But then I thought, hands and tongues can have compensating qualities, when used well. Don’t give up yet.
We’d been having sex for a total of 15 minutes when he looked at me and yelled “Cum for me baby, come on cum for me!” and I’m thinking, no wonder it’s been awhile since you’ve had sex…Jesus Christ. For the record, my pussy is tight, tighter than average, and I do Pilates. He kept banging away, not noticing that bored look in my eye. He stopped, he came, then he got up, got dressed and said, “I’m going to sleep well tonight.” I, on the other hand, was not. Thank god for Xanax and Netflix on my phone.
The next day, we both had stuff to do. We met in the evening, I made him a lovely dinner and then he went straight to bed. Why invite me for a fuckfest and then you’re out, I asked. Saturday was supposed to be our day, he whined. So Saturday we went for a drive. I asked to stop at a Hindu temple and he took me there, which I thought was sweet until I got out and said, are you coming, to which he replied. “Nope, you go ahead and take your pictures, I will wait here.” I was like, why the fuck am I here, why did he even initiate this? It was like watching someone cutting off their nose to spite their face. We then drove to his office where we were supposed to have this really fun sexual experience. I won’t even bother to describe it…. as it was benign at best. Then he bent me over his desk and came within seconds. After that we went home, I cooked him dinner again, which we barely spoke through, and went to bed.
I left the next morning and pondered the weekend. I must admit, I was angry, hurt, befuddled… and then the insecure bullshit kicks in: was I not pretty enough? As soon as that thought entered my mind…I was like, oh fuck you. No one has the right to make me feel bad. It was really disheartening, because this was someone, I truly liked as a friend. We had laughed, we went through a lot, and for it to end this way just seemed wrong.
I wrote him an email which basically stated, I think we are better as friends. I don’t understand why he invited me for this sex-filled weekend that was anything but. I felt unwelcome, unwanted and like he was using every negative way he could to push me away. His response to my email was the tipping point. He essentially said, I talked more than any other human being he had ever met. While it was a lovely quality….it didn’t really work for him. I was enraged at this because it was a lie; it was a straight up lie. There was so much silence on this trip, it was insane. So, of course, I couldn’t let him get away with it.
I think the best line from the response I sent him was, “You either have no staying power, or you are a selfish lover. If that’s what sex is to you, I don’t know what to tell you.” I had quite a few other things to berate him with, but all I wanted was an apology and then things would be cool. Could he do that, was it possible for him to say, ‘Vanessa, I fucked up I’m sorry, can we still be friends?’
After that email, where I took his asshole and put both fists through it,with no lube, he responded by sending me $300 for my airfare. I laughed when I got it, because I thought…. money. I make more money than you….and you think this is about money? I kept the cash but I had to tell him he still didn’t get it. He eventually apologized and said I was correct, he does have walls, issues, and this trip never could have been a success because he simply wouldn’t allow it to be.
I write this not out of revenge, I write this for all of the people who have found themselves in this exact situation. Here is the deal: miserable people, are just miserable people. David actually told me he had no fear of dying alone because he knew that was his lot in life. And that just made me sad…. why on earth, would you wish that on yourself? Why wouldn’t you work on who you are so you can maybe find some patches of happiness? Believe me, I have had my fair share of trauma; there is a saying- beware of damaged people, for they know they can survive. I have pushed away many men; maybe this experience was my karma.
Over time I’ve realized, if I never let down my walls and allow someone in, regardless of how it ends, then I would be the loser. My ex taught me that. People always ask me if I hate him and I say no, I’m grateful for him. I fell madly, deeply in love with someone; it was wonderful and magical while we lived in that bubble. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, but we are still friends, we still love each other. Neither of us saw the purpose of causing the other more pain. Falling in love had never been part of my life plan; to know it was possible, was the greatest gift I ever received.
Perhaps, that’s why I write this blog. David, you’re not a bad man, you are a tortured man who knows how to get better and simply refuses. You took a good friend (and some of the best sex you could have ever had) and you threw it away. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. May you learn from this just how unnecessary your behavior was. And then maybe you’ll learn how to love, or you’ll die alone. All I could think about was that Peggy Lee song:”Is that all there is?” If you want to see how it’s done, watch the January 29, 2016 Watch Vanessa cum 1/29 Sunday Sex Brunch, where you watch a genuine orgasm, that took way more than 10 minutes. I even got applause.
If you want me to start blogging again folks, give me a shout.