Craigslist Casual Encounters – Where you can ask for anything you want sexually…True Story

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Ahhhhhh, Craigslist… that wonderful website you can use to find a place to live, household furniture, jobs, and a casual sex partner.  A friend of mine we will call Julia allowed me to share her last casual encounter; no matter what you think, trolling for meaningless sex with a stranger requires a certain amount of courtesy and manners.

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Julia’s story is a great example of the do’s and dont’s of appropriate no-strings-attached fucking. Julia was never the settling down type, so I knew she was serious about the man in her life when she said: “This is the one I’m going to marry.” At this point, Rob and Julia were discussing having a relationship; no decisions had been made, and they were still temporarily able to sleep with whomever they felt like.  Rob was leaving on business and they put a pin on this discussion until he came back.  About five days into his absence, Julia told me she’d had an incredibly sexual dream.  One of those dreams that is so fucking hot, you wake up turned on.  “Vanessa, I don’t remember the exact details of the dream, just that I was writhing in ecstasy, with this beautiful man that wasn’t Rob,” Julia said.

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Once Julia woke up and realized it was a dream, it dawned on her that her footloose and fancy free days were going to be a thing of the past, very soon.  “I just started to think, ‘oh my God, I can’t have random sex with strangers anymore’ and something came over me.  I grabbed my laptop and I went somewhere I hadn’t been in three years… Craigslist Casual Encounters,” Julia said.

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Craigslist Casual Encounters is a place you can visit online when you feel like getting fucked without all the bullshit hassle.  There is nothing quite like fucking a stranger: someone who doesn’t know you, doesn’t care to know you, and won’t judge you, while you proceed to have some of the dirtiest, nastiest, most satisfying sex possible.

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Julia began scanning the ads; the majority of them contained a dick pic and a few sentences.  “I had forgotten how atrocious some of these ads are:  ‘looking for cum slut,’ ‘let me jerk off on your face’, ‘daddy looking for college girl to spoil ad spank,’ ‘want to be my dirty little pain slut.’” Julia kept scrolling, until she found an ad entitled ‘NSA fun.’  In it was a nice paragraph about wanting to have hot sex, with an amazing dick pic attached. Let’s face facts, folks; most women are looking for a nice big cock, whether they admit it or not.

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Julia responded to his ad, and included a pic of herself.  Within a few minutes, she got a response from her casual encounter, whom we will call Dirk Diggler.  Dirk sent her a face pic, which revealed a lovely handsome man.  They began sexting and sending racier pics to one another. Julia told me: “The chemistry was hot even on the phone, so I knew, the sex would probably match.  I told him I wanted to be bad and he said, ‘be bad with me,’ so we set a time. Maybe it was the ease of our texting, but I just knew this was going to be a really good fucking time.” Promptly at 7:30 p.m., Julia’s door bell rang and low and behold, there was Dirk, looking handsome like his photo.

She invited him in and the chemistry was immediately there.  She poured them some wine while they sat on the couch.  This part of the casual encounter is what I call ‘the dance’—in other words, how much small talk do I have to endure, until I’m riding your cock like the pony I never had.  About three minutes into the chit-chat, Julia realized she was playing with a novice to this game.  Dirk said to her: “Isn’t it amazing, we start a conversation on Craigslist and now we are here and we’re going to fuck… Funny how things work out.”  Julia felt like he was saying that to reassure himself that they were indeed going to have sex.  She found him amusing, like a cat finds a mouse amusing.  The small talk continued and he undid his belt dramatically while talking, as if to once again reinforce that he wanted to pull his dick out.

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Julia decided it was best just to take control of the situation, before she got annoyed. She got up to refill his glass and made sure her ass was right in front of his face as she bent over; he took the cue and put his hand up her skirt, caressing her thigh and grabbing her ass with the other hand.  Julia turned around so she could straddle him on the couch. They began to furiously make out while she grinded on him like a well-trained stripper gives a lap dance. Julia led him into the bedroom (with many condoms visible next to the bed) and they were naked in seconds. Julia began to go down on his huge cock: “I wanted to see how much of it I could get in my mouth before I choked.  You know my policy: if a dick is in my mouth, and I’m not crying a little bit, it shouldn’t be in there,” Julia said.

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The condom went on and Dirk began sliding inside her. He was teasing her a bit putting the tip in and taking his time, before he was all the way in: “He’s teasing me with just the tip until I was begging for it, and then he was all the way inside me and Jesus fucking Christ, that thing was no joke.  He pinned my arms down and pounded the shit out of me, just the way I like. I made sounds I hadn’t made in a long time.  He folded me in half and fucked me so hard. I had to have him flip me over, because him on top of me got a bit painful. He flipped me over on all fours; I got on top of him while he pulled my hair and fucked me from every angle possible.  He fucked me for three hours, with breaks in between.  At one point he was pounding on me so hard my head board was slamming against the wall—and it’s antique wood, so I had to put my hand up and grab it, because I didn’t want it to break, but I also didn’t want him to stop.  Once we finished, he rubbed my feet and we both breathed heavily.  Here’s where it get’s interesting. We began to chat and he shared with me how he’s new to the scene, admitting this was his first casual encounter, that he actually went through with,” Julia said.

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Julia indulged his conversation, because she remembered when she was new to the sex-positive community and began experimenting.  Julia and I met at a play party a few years ago and she had been to a number of slutty events.  After a few minutes, Julia had reached her max. It’s like last call at a bar; you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.  She politely ushered him out and he asked her if he could keep in touch.  Everyone says that, but usually you don’t hear from them again.  Two days later, she got a text from Dirk: “Hey, could you email me links to the sexy places you told me about.”

Julia sent him an email with an overwhelming amount of links, hoping that would be the last she heard of him.  Two days later she got a late night text from him, saying he was horny.  She didn’t text back.Then he responded to her email with the links.

This email was amazing, because it was so inappropriate. Upon reading it, one would assume they had been having a love affair for years.  My favorite part (she allowed me and some of our friends to read it, so we could all laugh at Dirk’s expense): “Words escape me as I type because I know our offline conversations are just so much more powerful.”  That’s when both Julia and I threw up in our mouths a little bit, while laughing hysterically.  Julia decided not to be rude, and attempted to get rid of him politely.  This was not the way to go; you give someone a finger and they take the whole hand. Lesson number one, ladies: Don’t respond to someone just to be polite.  We are conditioned as women not to be rude and then we end up interacting with someone only because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.

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He then began to text her and email her regarding his Tinder dates, asking her for advice, while he whined about not getting a kiss from this girl on the first date.  Then he asked Julia how he could fuck more women that he met online. Julia had enough of Dirk at this point, so she sent him a goodbye email stating that she was looking for a one night stand, not a new needy friend who expected her to help him get laid. She is not Dear Abby, for Christ’s sake. Julia blocked him on her phone, and after that email, Dirk finally got the hint.

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 “I got on Craigslist that day to give myself a private bachelorette party.  I knew this carnival ride was closing and I wanted to have one more strange passenger before I shut it down.  I wasn’t looking for a connection; I was looking for cock.  While the sex was great, he almost ruined it by being such a fucking baby about the whole thing,” Julia said.  Take this story as a lesson, folks: casual encounters are just that.  Don’t contact the other party again, unless you absolutely know that’s okay.  Don’t send them ridiculous emails which make it seem like you two are in love—and, here is a thought, don’t act pathetic or creepy.  Thank you Julia for allowing me to share your casual encounter with all of my readers.  It was a great story, so perhaps Dirk served his purpose after all.

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Viva Las Vegas and the AVN/AEE Extravaganza 2014!

Happy New Year, folks!  2014 is certainly off and running.  I finally feel recovered from the holidays and ready to tackle this brand new year.  The AVN Awards and the AEE (Adult Entertainment Expo) are kicking off this week in Las Vegas.  I head to the desert on Thursday to peruse the eclectic booths and see my extended adult family that I have grown accustomed to seeing at this event every year.  The land of adult is never boring and I am sure this year will prove to be just as much a ruckus as years past.

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To all of you heading to Vegas for this event, have a blast and be safe.  I will be reporting on all of my adventures when I return from the desert.  Stay tuned

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Holiday Crime Is Happening

Whatever it is that you celebrate in December, most of us have a holiday of sorts that we are preparing for. If you have gone to the mall, you will notice that it’s filled to the brim with people purchasing gifts at this time of year.

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As I was sitting in my hairdresser’s chair the other day, I began to ponder this season a bit. My hairdresser told me she requested that her family not buy her any more things, as she has so many. She only wanted gifts that she could consume and be done with immediately.

I don’t know about you, but Christmas snuck up on me this year. Most of the people in my life also felt as if 2013 sprinted by and they are rushing to close it out and ring in 2014. Something I have noticed this year more than others is how many of the people in my life have had a theft of some kind at this time of year. One person I know woke up after staying the night at a friend’s, to find that their iPhones, a laptop, and a Bose stereo were gone. Another friend of mine had her car broken into; the thieves didn’t get much, since her neighbors noticed and chased them off with bats.

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But this one really struck home: a friend of mine, who is married with four children, went to bed and accidentally left her car door unlocked. The thief (or thieves) got in and stole the change out of her car – but they also saw her garage door opener, and opened her garage to peer around while she, her husband, and her children slept. Thankfully, they slept through it and no one was hurt, but it got me thinking that this is honestly one of the worst times of the year for crime. ‘Tis the season, as they say.

I realize that as a whole, we are a society plagued by both petty and serious crime, but you have to admit the holidays bring out the theft in people more than other times of year. I saw a news report that a contractor scam is making its way through the East Bay. Men dressed as contractors knock on your door, telling you they are working on your neighbors’ house and they need access to your back yard. You unlock the door and let them in, thinking you are being a polite neighbor, only later to discover that this was just a scam and money and jewelry are missing out of your house.

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I understand that crime happens all throughout the year, but when we are all shopping more than normal and buying things we wouldn’t always buy, the payoff for theft becomes higher than at other times of year.  Other than children and really close friends, I stopped giving Christmas gifts a long time ago. I used to have Christmas parties every year so that I could spend time with the people who I love.

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Then I started celebrating Festivus, because it’s the anti-holiday party filled with grievances, a piñata, and wrestling. This year, the holidays snuck up on me so fast, I’m just making time for certain people while trying to finish out 2013.

Whatever it is that you find yourself celebrating, avoiding, or drinking through at this time of year please be careful out there. Lock your doors, cars, and homes. Keep an eye on your purses and wallets. Just be aware that there are people, who spend this time of year waiting for our busyness and stress to make us a victim of holiday crime. Stay warm and I hope you all have a lovely holiday, whatever it is that you celebrate.

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Closed For The Holidays!!!

Hello folks.  The end of this year is not filled with as much writing as I would like.  Let’s face it, the month of December is made up of holiday parties, closing out the business year; while we all sprint towards the New Year. You may not get much writing out of me, as I close out 2013.  Don’t worry, I already have a host of topics for the rest of 2014.   May you all survive the last few weeks of this year and may 2014 bring many new adventures for us all.

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Margaret Cho: An Original San Francisco Treat

There’s too many things happening in the world right now that aren’t funny: our federal government is shut down, the economy is still struggling…have you seen the price of a 1 bedroom in the city of San Francisco? We need a release; people need to laugh, to escape and to have a pleasant distraction.

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Watching stand up comedy live, when done right, is an incredible experience for the human spirit. A comic can transcend our immediate situation and provide a perfect diversion from the things swirling around us. In late September while traveling in Nashville, I saw that Margaret Cho was on tour again with her new show called, ‘Mother’. Cho is a comedian I have loved for years and I was missing San Francisco…I knew seeing Cho’s new show could fix that problem.

Margaret Cho Photo By Austin Young

Margaret Cho Photo By Austin Young

Cho is a San Francisco native, though she now resides between Los Angeles and Atlanta throughout the year. Cho was born and raised in San Francisco during the late 70’s and the city influenced her perspective in a big way. Her parents ran a bookstore called Paperbook Traffic in the city, where Cho’s mom taught her about gay people, using a book in their very own store. The story started with her saying, “Sometimes men love each other so much, I mean…so much, so much…”, in a thick Korean accent, imitating her mother. Her mother is a regular part of her routine and you can tell that the relationship is a source of how Cho moves through the world.

Zanies Nashville

Zanies Nashville

The show I caught in Nashville was at comedy landmark, Zanies. The very funny Jim Short was Cho’s opener and phenomenal. His set was perfect; he had the entire audience laughing from start to finish. (Short and Cho also have a podcast called, “Monsters of Talk“, which is entertaining and hilarious.) Short set the tone for the evening; by the time he introduced Cho, people were primed and wanted more.

Jim Short

Jim Short

When Cho appears on stage, she is immediately funny and approachable all at once. She shared about where she is in her life now, how she’s thinking about having children, her age and how her body has changed. She discussed being bisexual and how her relationships with men and women look.  As her set progressed, you find yourself laughing harder and harder and you also feel like you just had a conversation with an old friend. Everything Cho communicates during her set is the perfect blend of funny and vulnerable. Most people believe that all comics are tortured; Margaret Cho is real, all too human (in the best way) and more so, engaging. To say she was gracious towards those attending is an understatement. Audience members sent her drinks, she shared every one, involved many in discussions and held the audience’s attention lovingly from the moment she set foot on her platform.

Margaret Cho Photo by Lyndsey Byrnes

Margaret Cho Photo by Lyndsey Byrnes

Seeing Cho was a treat; she is a feature role on the Lifetime series, Drop Dead Diva, that is incredibly popular, she continues to write, perform and do film work. She is a busy woman, so this tour feels like an extra gift for her fans.

Cho’s set didn’t disappoint in any way, shape or form. Cho brought her A game and I was delighted that I finally got to see her live. Mother is coming to San Francisco on October 12th at the Nob Hill Masonic Center. Get tickets while you can as she tends to sell out.

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Ms. Pinto Goes to Washington for Woodhull

The weekend of September 20th found me and several San Franciscans headed to Washington D.C. to attend the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. Sex, sexuality and gender are topics that have made history this year; DOMA was abolished, and gay people can now marry in 13 states while enjoying more rights than ever before.  In California, Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing children in public schools to decide which bathrooms they use and whether they choose to participate in girls or boys sports. In the wake of all these changes, the Woodhull Summit and conferences like it are designed to discuss all of these changes and hopefully cause more.

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

Since I couldn’t see every panel, I relied on the attendees to let me know which panels were the standouts.  Sabrina Morgan, a well-known Bay Area sex educator and activist, had a sex work round table, Friday night.  Cheyenne Picardo, an attendee, said: “The sex work round table was a very smart diverse discussion led by Sabrina Morgan that may have been the first time I ever felt that all sex workers could be on the same page, maybe even allies, in the struggle for respect, safety, and recognition.”

Buck Angel, an icon in popular culture who is also the first Female-to-Male (FTM) transsexual to appear in the adult world, premiered his film “Mr. Angel” at Woodhull, and his pal Reid Mihalko, a sex educator based in Oakland, led the Q&A with Angel afterward.

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

After Cathy Vartuli saw the premier, she said: “The film did a great job of showing the ordinary moments and the struggle Buck went through finding his sexual identity and expression. It showed the confusion he felt, the challenges his family went through, and the love they all have for each other that brought them through the journey. I loved how the flash backs to him as a young girl growing up helped people connect to his transformation, and his courage. And when his dad broke down, it was so touching. I think this film takes a journey that is normally steeped in fear and mystery and makes it gentle and easily accessible to everyone. It showed the courage it takes to step out of your old life, and builds compassion and understanding for anyone going through this process.”

Shanna Katz, an attendee and speaker said: “As a sexologist and sex educator, as well as a member of a few sexually marginalized communities myself. I think it is incredibly important to have ongoing conversations about sexual rights. Many people assume that this means reproductive rights/justice, and leave it at that, but even many people already somewhat “in the know” were shocked to find out about the condoms as evidence law in New York, or that nursing home patients can get kicked out of housing in some areas for being (consensually) sexually active. Sexual freedom is multifaceted, and I was excited not only to be able to share my take on it (specifically around privilege, LGBTQ and disability identities), but also to engage with others in the field about the different issues that are so prevalent in the field.

Kate Guilfoyle Cassidy, the VP of Customer Relations of Masque and one of the proud sponsors of this event, said: “We were very honored to be asked to sponsor Woodhull Summit this year and were excited for the “friend-raising” opportunity that our attendance allowed. The Alliance’s work on human rights and sexuality education are very compelling. We’re always excited to introduce our product to forward-thinking attendees at sex positive events. Events like this are an excellent opportunity for thoughtful discourse on education and safe sex.”  If you’re wondering why Masque sounds familiar, it’s because they’ve sponsored almost every sex positive and adult event in the last two years.  It seems this oral sex strip company has a heart of gold and a desire to be philanthropic.

Woodhull did many things right at this conference, from unisex bathrooms to a list of rules on behavior and conduct. They offered a cigar bar and a party on Saturday night for everyone to unwind at.

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

Seduction Photography by Louis Shackleton

But what they mainly offered beyond panels and speakers was a place where people who live with issues of being queer, polyamorous, kinky, a sex worker, transgender, disabled or part of many other marginalized communities, a chance to connect with like-minded people going through the same struggles, while trying to find solutions that can really make change, and not just apply a band-aid like so much of society wants to do.  It is one thing to read about these topics on the news and it is quite another to live it. And that’s what Woodhull does: it brings home the realities of these situations through people and panels.   In the words of Havelock Ellis, “Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to revere life until we know how to understand sex.”

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What Labels You a Sex Offender? You Would be Surprised

I recently met Natalie, a woman who, in her words (and after investigating her case) “was pimped out for 13 years” of her life. When her pimp was arrested, she and the other girls he coerced to work as prostitutes were charged as well.  This woman was convicted of crimes at age 30 that labeled her a sex offender; she and those who were also forced to work, were victims. Due to the nature of our present laws, Natalie and those who identify as victims of the crimes leveled against them in this case, are now registered and viewed as sex offenders.

That didn’t sit well with me. When I think of the term sex offender, the last thing I think of is someone like her. I decided to do a bit of research to see what can get you classified as a sex offender, because disturbingly, a lot of things can earn you that title.

Via a mass email and requests on social media, I asked what people think of when they hear the term, sex offender.

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Monika Thomas: “I think of Pee Wee Herman, who ended up getting caught doing something that wasn’t that big of a deal given the context (masturbation in an adult theatre). I also think of the stereotypical, creepy, ex-con guy who people are trying to “protect children from” with the Meghan’s Law maps and I think of all the people who get caught up in the dragnet of “sex offenders” that don’t really belong there, like roommates of sex workers for instance.”

Craig Ainsworth, Esq. said, “The term sex offender creates a stigma, sometimes warranted, sometimes not.” Ainsworth feels perhaps a redefinition of the term is in order: “Not all sex offenders are created equal, but the registry system might not account for this.” Ainsworth suggested that perhaps the registry would work better, if it listed repeat offenders instead of every single case.

Kimberly Spillman shared her thoughts: “What I think of immediately: are they rapists/violent criminals? The term is too broad to know how dangerous a person with that title may be.”

Too broad is right. Do you know what crimes can get you labeled a sex offender? 18 year olds having sex or sexting with their 15, 16 or 17-year-old partners. Public nudity, flashing, public urination and mooning can also get you the label (which means, based on this definition, that people camping or attending an event like Burning Man, are potential sex offenders to anyone who disagrees with those behaviors and reports them). Those are not violent crimes, so why are these crimes ones that carry a label that will stigmatize your life forever?

I spoke to someone who has real experience with this – Karen Hammons,who has a website entitled The Offenders Wife.  The Offenders Wife is an online community where women whose husbands or someone they love carries the label of sex offender.

Hammons stems from South Carolina and five years ago, her life changed forever. “I got called by the police and was told that my husband was being arrested. The charges were contributing to the delinquency of a minor and using an electronic device to do it.”

At the time, her husband worked for a mega-church as a member of the Facilities team; the 17-year-old girl in question was in the student ministry there. Not only was he arrested, but his arrest made headlines in the local media. An announcement was also made at the church he worked at and that their family worshipped at.

Once the news was made public, her husband was fired on the spot and many people cut all ties to the Hammons family.  While she did have a few close friends who stayed loyal to their friendship, she said, “…it was a very lonely and traumatizing experience.” For reasons still unknown, all the charges were dropped and her husband did not have to register as a sex offender, but the damage was done and the effects still linger

The Hammons family still face discrimination five years later. It’s the little things; one of Hammons sons is autistic and needs to be walked to class. Her husband at times takes him to school. This seemingly normal parental duty was not viewed as acceptable by some of the other parents. Then Hammons found out that a number of parents, who had seen the news coverage years ago, called the school franticly, saying they had a sex offender wandering the halls and the school needed to put a stop to it.

Thankfully, the school told the parents that Mr. Hammons was not on the sex offender registry and he had every right to walk his child to class. This could have gone a few different ways and while Hammons husband does not carry the label of sex offender anymore, the stigma still haunts him and their family

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Hammons believes that the sex offender registry is too overloaded to serve the purpose it was initially intended for. When you look up a sex offender, you are not shown what the actual violation was; it simply says, sex offender – and that can mean any number of things.

The other part of the problem, Hammon feels, is the isolation it creates.  Most of these sex offenders and their families tend to isolate themselves for fear of harassment and discrimination.  Jobs and homes are a hard thing for registered offenders to come by, yet studies have shown that employment and community help sex offenders to not re-offend. Instead of isolating sex offenders and publicly shaming them with a registry, what else can be done?

What’s not being done in a practical way, is rehabilitation and education.  Benjamin Lopatin, Esq. said, “Our society is trying to sweep sex offenders underneath a rug and hope they disappear. However, this supposed solution merely gives a false sense of security.  There should be a focus on those deemed sexual predators, based on risk assessment. Additionally, there should be mandatory mental health treatment aimed at rehabilitating these sex offenders so they will not re-commit crimes.  There should also be more resources allocated for educating the public on sexual abuse prevention. Legislation that reacts on emotion and is based on fear and anger will not be effective in keeping society safe.”

When laws are created out of fear, folly is sure to follow.  Our fears cannot and should not dictate how we treat people. While I understand how terrifying some sex offenders are, how can we be certain every person who we see with that label, fits that emotional trigger most of us feel when we hear that term.

Nothing is black and white. Everyone has a story and our laws should account for that.

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